I've only touched briefly on my anxiety and reversing its mechanism. I haven't spoken in detail about the true extent of it, or how long I had to endure it. I'd say it was roughly a three-year period of trying to manage it entirely on my own, without telling anyone or ever going into full depth about how bad it actually got.
At the very beginning prior to the anexity turned into contant state of fear, a wonderful individual suggested I go to counseling. Of course, my immediate thoughts were, "How would that help?" or "Fuck that shit." How was talking to someone supposed to help when I couldn't even manage it myself—especially since I thought it was a physical issue or a cleanliness thing at first?
If something is suggested to you by someone you love, remember that you're not doing it for them—you're doing it for yourself.
each chapter and situation i speak about in my life is breaking down into each chakra dimension, im teaching/showing others my journey to Heaven
Speak on the mind of a child being a sponge and How as a child you naturally develope Narsatistic traits and self blame.
My ideology of love and relationships was shattered from childhood and had a huge knock-on effect on how I viewed and handled situations growing up within my relationships. As I wasn't aware of or didn't have the capacity to control or process my emotions, I would hold everything in, until something out of my control or something small didn't go to plan, and I would completely lash out, summoning every bit of devilish emotion out onto the plate, Once I was exhausted from lashing out all my anger, I would cry, cry, and cry it all out again, as a relief from bottling it all up for so long, without being able to express it.
At first, I would've blamed environments or the people around me growing up. The truth is, you will always lose playing the blame game and will always end up in that cycle playing the victim. So, doing some inner work, I had to go back in time and visualise myself being that child again, re-visualise the environments, and bring in my current self's vocabulary and knowledge about what I researched from podcasts, books and downloads, began to break everything down bit by bit, detail by detail. Now, if you're familiar with Criminal Minds, it's the same process, but I'm playing the victim. From a third-person perspective (today's self), place yourself back into your younger self's shoes. It's known as Crime Scene Reconstruction / Visual Profiling.
Now the tools i used were visual profiling but the vocabulary i used was from Gabor Mate.
At that stage in my life, I wasn't sure what doing something for myself even meant, what it looked like, or how it felt to actually look after myself and show self-love. I didn't have any idea how to nurture myself or speak positively about who I was. Instead, I allowed external factors—like social media, online situations like news and drama, or observing others—to dictate how I felt about myself, completely unaware that I had been neglecting my inner child and my true self the entire time.